Congratulations Well Invested Swamp Hag!

You began life as just a simple swamp hag, casting curses on handsome men who wandered nearby or past your swamp as the situation warranted and screaming at children whenever they approached your property. It was a rich life, a life full of bustle and activity, but it’s also been a lonely one. And there are only two ways to counter that kind of deep seeded loneliness, the kind that creeps into your heart and mind and makes the world seem like a bleak, terrible place.

You can find someone you love, someone you really truly love, and dedicate your life to that person, giving yourself over completely to them and making their happiness your own. Or you can get lots and lots of money.

You went with the latter.

You invested. You invested in tech start-ups, mostly, weathered the dot-com boom-bash with nary a scratch and diversified your holdings with some commodity futures. What the fuck does any of this means?

It means that you’re incredibly rich, just not from a liquid perspective. But today you’re going to sell roughly one third of your total holdings. And what does that mean?

That means you’re going to be so rich you can buy the entire swamp you live in!

“THIS IS MAAAAAAAAAH SWAHMP!” you’ll scream at people from the top of the tower you’ll build at the center of your property, using a voice amplification device to be sure that your rantings and ramblings reach them.

“GIT ADDA HURRRR!” you’ll add as they look around, baffled by the sounds they hear.

Later you’ll put a hex upon them for not leaving your land quickly enough, cursing them to birth only children with flippers instead of limbs. It’ll be kind of extreme, considering the circumstances, but hey. It’s your swamp!

Congratulations Well Invested Swamp Hag!