Congratulations Special Needs Police Officer!

One man will drive your car, while another sits in the front seat next to him, cleaning a loaded gun. You’ll sit in the back with an air tube hanging just below your chest, strapped into your chair which will in turn be strapped into a heavily modified police cruiser’s back seat. The men will both, as per your request, be white.

“NO JEWS!” you’ll shout at them from the back seat. The driver will sigh. The man cleaning the gun won’t respond at all.

Just then a call will crackle over the radio. The dispatcher’s voice will announce a reported disturbance at family grocery store in northern Philadelphia.

“MAKE CAH GO!” you’ll shout, blowing into your air-tube and making your chair rock against its restraints. The driver will ask the dispatcher for a location repeat and put the pedal to the floor.

“WEEE!” you’ll drool as the concrete races past you outside. Your driver will have you there in record time, and you’ll barely even have time to realize the car has stopped before he and the man with the gun have you unstrapped and outside the car.

“Yayyyyy,” you’ll mumble as you move your chair back and forth, taking in your surroundings. You’ll see a black man in an apron standing in front of the store. He’ll be visibly agitated, yelling down the street at a white man with a tremendous beard. The white man will be shoving strangers out of his way and cursing loudly, so loudly that you’ll be able to hear him despite the distance and your underdeveloped ears and language processing center.

Normally, this is where police work would come in. But you’ll fix your gaze on the storekeeper, crook your twisted paw towards him and shout:

“SUSPECT SPOTTED! HOSSILE! OPAN FAH!”

Your gun-holder will know what this means. He’ll take aim and quickly fire two rounds into the shopkeep. The man will fall to the ground, injured but alive, while the homeless man he called you to deal with traipses down the street with his dick out.

“GOO WAK!” you’ll shout at your tenders as they look at one another and shake their heads. Your work done, you’ll gesticulate wildly until your tenders load you back into the car. Then you’ll be driven back to the station, where your paperwork assistant begin filling out the mountainous amounts of paperwork that you are required to file each time one of your tenders injures or kills a civilian. He’ll be a very tired man by this point in his career.

Thus will begin one of the most interesting court cases in American history, delving into issues of the actual capability of handicapped people, the corruption of the Philadelphia police force and potential for failure inherent in the current system of Affirmative Action.

Congratulations Special Needs Police Officer!