Congratulations Stationary Bike Lover!

Everyone’s got a fetish. We’ve said it before. We’ll say it again. And it’s not our place to judge. But it is our place to point out when fetishes are particularly difficult to realize. And that’s kind of your problem. You like to fuck exercise bikes in public places.

People get upset when other people fucking things, even inanimate things, in public places. Which makes life kind of tough for you. You can’t keep a gym membership after you get caught fucking a stationary bike while a particularly dramatic Lamaze class is theoretically drawing attention away from you. The world just doesn’t work that way.

That’s why today you’re going to go into a Planet Fitness and lock yourself inside a locker. You’re going to wait all night until the lights are out, until they’ve been out for a good long time. Then you’re going to crawl out and start fucking the shit out of every exercise bike in the place.

By the end of the night your dick will be riddled with plastic and metal splinters and you’ll be kind of upset at exercise bikes as a concept. But you’ll feel like you really accomplished something by raping all those bikes (we call it rape because bikes can’t actually consent). And you’ll have a bunch of fap material stored for the months to come when you can’t rape bikes, because if you do it every night you’ll inevitably get caught.

But by doing it tonight, and maybe once or twice a month afterwards, it’s far, far more likely that your crimes will never come back to haunt you. They will, however, most assuredly haunt the baffled janitor who has to clean up your many, many messes tomorrow morning. Our hearts go out to Mathew Padillo of Silverlake, California.

Congratulations Stationary Bike Lover!