Congratulations Public Servants!

Today you will become a hero. Songs will be written about you and you will be immortalized in legend as you and several friends and finally kill the members of Dave Mathews Band.

It won’t be an easy fight. Legions of vapid, sycophantic fans will stand between you and your goal, and the majority of your companions will die before the end. While Dave Mathews Band fans aren’t bright or particularly tactful, they are numerous and they won’t stop fighting until they know for certain that the last band member is dead. Then they’ll trudge off to follow another shitty band, like Phish or something.

After your charges breach the compound’s wall you, Mary, Shilo and Frank will rush in and secure the entry point. Then Murray, Funkmaster Fresh, Stephán and Maura will leapfrog up and take the guardhouse. At first the plan will unfold without a hitch. But one of the Dave Mathews Band members (the black one, we think) will step out to take a long, depressed walk so he can bemoan his membership in one of the most hated bands on the face of the earth.

He won’t get far before he spots you and runs inside to tell the other band members. They’ll then convene a town hall style meeting with their manager acting as meeting leader, wherein they’ll discuss plans for defending their structure. As they do so you’ll breach the inner perimeter and both teams will enter the “Mathewsplex” as some call it.

Unfortunately they’ll come to a consensus faster than you expected (Dave Mathews stopped fucking talking for once) and you and your friends will find yourselves in hot water when they promise a free concert to the fans who murder you and your friends in order to prevent the destruction of what they call “the greatest band on earth.”

Fratboys and dull, uninteresting men in their thirties and forties will rush to the complex with whatever crude weapons they could fashion. Funkmaster Fresh and his team will make a valiant stand against them but eventually they’ll be overrun when they run out of ammunition. Maura will survive by playing dead, but Murray, Funkmaster and Stephán won’t be so lucky.

They’ll be taken to a soundproof room where they’re forced to listen to “DMB” without any background noise. They’ll be left with a pistol with a single bullet.

None of them will last more than a minute and a half.

But they’ll buy you the time you need and after you kill several Chechnyan mercenaries you and Shilo, the lone survivors, will come upon the band, sitting defenseless and childlike in their parlor room. Their manager will be there, purple with rage.

“Fuck it,” he’ll say. then he’ll shoot Carter Beauford.

“Nooo! Carter!” the members of Dave Mathews Band will cry, rushing to beat their manager to death with their instruments.

You and Shilo won’t miss a beat, though. You’ll unload what ammunition you have left into their flabby, middle aged bodies. Then, your mission complete, you’ll turn and walk away, stepping through legions of now comatose fans to collect Maura and return to civilization, located conveniently on the other side of the Delaware border.

Once you exit Delaware the world will recognize you as heroes, and a statue will be erected commemorating your fallen brothers. Each of the survivors will receive a healthy government stipend for “doing them a solid” and you’ll spend your money to purchase a ranch in Montana, where you will quietly and peacefully spend your days until the government contacts you once more to assassinate Keith Urban.

Congratulations Public Servants!