Congratulations Mole-Man!

People have lots of reasons for moving into the New York subway tunnels. Some of them are teenage runaways who just wanted to bone where it’s dark and private. Some of them are mommies and daddies who didn’t want to take care of their children and decided that the state line was a little bit too far Some of them are just homeless people who got tired of the streets and decided to become part of a less judgmental culture.

But no one’s down there for the reason you are. And, honestly, it’s hurting your ability to relate to them. They’re all running from one thing or another. None of them are working on books about urban exploration and having a lot of trouble securing funding from their publisher. A few of them were evicted from Brooklyn apartments though, so you can occasionally relate to them on that level.

But mostly they think you’re an insufferable, pretentious prick, and for the most part they’re right. You spend most of your time down there judging them and talking about how much smarter people are at Sarah Lawrence.

But tomorrow something is going to change. The king of the sewers, former mayor Rudolf Guilani, will have lost his cat that morning and he’ll be horrified that one of the warlike Morlocks who oppose his rule but are too emaciated to do anything about it, kidnapped and ate her.

You’ll calm him down and find her in a sewer pipe that he thought he checked when he was high on painkillers, but as it turns out he totally missed it. He’ll be super, super happy and he’ll offer you drugs and his protection as you traverse the sewers. That means the locals will stop beating you up, stealing you notes, peeing on you and generally refusing to speak to you on civil terms.

That means that in about eight months you’re going to be sitting on one hell of a book about sewer people and what’s edible and what’s not in what is sure to be New York’s fastest growing night spot after Brooklyn stops being trendy again in a little under half a decade!

Congratulations Mole-Man!