Congratulations on Being Invited to the Circle Jerk!

You’ve been trying to join the Illuminati since junior high. Not because you crave political power or anything like that, but because you hear they have the coolest parties and find the Hottest Bitches™, at least according to the Warholm-Flannery Scale of Bitch-Hotness (arguably the most objective bitch assessment system).

But it’s been a difficult journey. The Illuminati Club in college was okay, but it was more about enthusiasm than participation. It helped you make a few connections, but you found out that hanging around the Lyn-Lake PopEye’s was more beneficial than sitting around with a bunch of Ivory Tower fuckers talking about how much they love the idea of a super secret organization controlling their lives.

In fact Greg, the manager of that PopEye’s, became something of an acquaintance and recently, after you blew him for the fifth time in the PopEye’s break room, he invited you to an Illuminati event. You immediately agreed to go without listening to any part of his description, so you’re going to be pretty shocked when you show up to the warehouse and find not a single hot bitch waiting for you.

Instead the warehouse will be about half-full of white dudes in vastly varying states of physical fitness. It’ll run the gamut from Dick Cheney to Tom Cruise, not to give anything away. They’ll all be wearing hooded robes and it’ll seem like some sort of initiation.

But as it turns out they’ll just start right up into reading the minutes of the last meeting. It’ll consist of a lengthy debate about who the best Three’s Company character was which never really resolves itself. Then they’ll disrobe and begin the “act of unit,” which consists of masturbating in a series of circles into kiddie pools filled with strange Asian women of varying malnutrition.

They’ll all be horrified, and none will really qualify as “hot” by any standard. In fact, most of them will be missing teeth.

But the Illuminati, these men you’ve spent so much time trying to endear yourself to, will be jerking off on them with wild abandon. You’ll shrug your shoulders and decide to join in halfhearted, failing to spill your seed on a Vietnamese prostitute who will look at you like you’re the only one who can save her life.

You won’t be invited to another meeting, and you won’t mind, since next week you’ll meet the head of the Masons in a Starbucks and find out about a full out rave at their mansion next week.

So Congratulations on Being Invited to the Circle Jerk! It wasn’t very fun, but it was a great learning experience, right?