Congratulations Fans of Foreigner!

As a social group there are few people more disenfranchised than fans of the band Foreigner. In many nations they’re relegated to the role of second-class citizens. Many of them are without food or water, and some have to receive aid from Sally Struthers and that really trustworthy looking black guy no one in the office could remember the name of. You know the one I mean, the one who does the State Farm commercials.

But I digress. The bulk of the issue with Foreigner fans stems from a lack of centralized leadership. The band is too busy dealing with organ failure or being high on H most of the time to actually manage their fan base, and a strong leader has never emerged to unify the fans under one banner.

A big part of the problem there is disagreement about just which Foreigner song is best. Some claim Cold As Ice is their greatest hit, others Hot Blooded. Obviously these view points have some serious trouble co-existing. Then there are the people who believe Europe’s Final Countdown is the best Foreigner song. That’s a whole other can of worms.

It’d take some pretty serious shit to get the lot of you to agree, and come Thursday you’ll be getting it when the nukes start flying during a Foreigner concert.

Every living Foreigner fan in the world (there are roughly two thousand of you, and the stadium will be largely unoccupied) will be in attendance, and you’ll all be elated to potentially die listening to your favorite performers on the planet. But the members of the band will be busy panicking, and they’ll all OD and enter comas right after the first bomb hits Langley.

Crestfallen, the crowd will quickly degrade into violence over the Cold As Ice – Hot Blooded issue. It will seem like your little subculture will destroy itself without a strong leader. That’s when you’ll step up on stage and silence the crowd with a rousing speech:

“We must dedicate our future to caring for these scions of the world! Just as they have fallen into a deep slumber during the world’s darkest hour, so will they arise for its rebirth! And we are the gifted few who will guide them through these troubled times!”

You’ll be thanking your lucky stars you took that public speaking class at the community college last fall, and the crowd will be entirely swayed by your declaration of their importance. The majority of them have cripplingly low self-esteem and desperately just want to be a part of something bigger than themselves, hence their rabid fandom for the band Foreigner.

Now that they’re in a group they’ll find a measure of confidence and strength and begin carving out a nice chunk of continental America to preserve for Foreigner, should they ever awake from their drug induced haze.

It will be the first time that the Foreigner fan base has ever been treated fairly, and it will all be thanks to your effort. So kudos to you and congratulations fans of Foreigner!