Congratulations! Kentucky is For Lovers!

Kentucky is kind of a rough place. Most people don’t go there if they can help it. Some of us have family or illegitimate children staining its amber plains, but for the most part the majority of humankind can and does avoid Kentucky at all costs.

But you’re not like other people. You’re part of a lesbian bank robbing duo with nothing left to lose and nowhere else to go. So surprise sur-fucking-prise, you’re going to go to Kentucky.

You and your girlfriend will get into a pretty big fight about it. The term “breakup” will come up a few times, along with the phrase “fucked with a piece of glass” and “rather give Bigfoot a blowjob.” But in the end the two of you will agree that Kentucky, with its unique combination of conservatism, relative isolation, total lack of significance and crippling poverty, is the best bet for you if you don’t want the feds to catch you.

In reality they’ll be busy trying to track down various fields of pot in locations scattered across the west coast. Far, far too busy to be looking for the two of you and the absurd amounts of money you’ve stolen from the government.

When the two of you arrive you’ll buy some land dirt cheap. After that you’ll hire some Mexicans to farm it for you and generally form a circle of friends around you. Life will be good for the first two months before the hate crimes start.

Even though you purposefully built your lives on a place almost as far away from “civilized” Kentucky as possible hicks will be drawn to your gayness, all the more so because only your partner could be considered conventionally attractive. The thought of a hot chick with an okay looking chick will fill these men with rage and they’ll be forced by forces they cannot understand to track you down and beat you with tire irons.

You’ll fend them off for a few months with the help of your Mexican friends/laborers. You treat them right and they know that if you fall they’re next. Once this country is done dealing with the gays it is almost universally understood that Mexicans will be next up against the wall.

You’ll kill thousands of hicks with your bank robbing skills and your general resourcefulness. The general stupidity of the hicks will help too. But there will be a seemingly endless supply and eventually the two of you will decide to take what money you have left (1.6 billion dollars) and depart for greener pastures.

You’ll share a kiss as you torch your barn and wave goodbye to your frustrated Mexican employees, getting in your 1998 Camry and start driving for the Ohio border with dreams of the mystical city known as Cleaveland stuck in your heads. You had a good run, but Kentucky wouldn’t have any of it. Sure, they could’ve used the money, but they’ve just got so many problems with who you are fundamentally that they never would’ve taken it.

Ah well. You tried, right?

Congratulations! Kentucky is for Lovers!