Congratulations on Your Hot Sister!

“Dude!” Gary will say when he first catches sight of her, spewing cookie crumbs from his mouth when he does so. “What the fuck?!”

You’ll sigh. It wasn’t easy growing up as an Aleut in Biloxi. Sure, you had the bond of being an army brat but you were still an outsider. An Eskimo, a seal clubber they called you. You’d never clubbed a seal in your life! Although your grandfather had. He was a white poacher who fell in love with your grandmother and murdered everyone who stood between the two of them (a large number of seals and one humpbacked whale).

Your sister was all you really had, and the two of you were inseparable. You did everything together: throw rocks at other army kids, get into fights and undergo basic tactical, reconnaissance and firearms training at the behest of your parents. But she was two years older than you and so when the time came she went off to college at Bryn Mawr.

You thought about following suit, going to school at Haverford or U Penn or something, but then you remember what your dad had always told you about Pennsylvania (stay the fuck out of Pennsylvania if you can) so you opted to go to St. Olaf, almost as far away from Pennsylvania as you can get before being forced to deal with infuriating West Coast residents.

Unfortunately there isn’t a whole lot to do in Northfield. Mostly you just shoot at things, set off fireworks and make fun of the Christian kids. It’ll be pretty old before the end of the first semester, but eventually you’ll discover alcohol and premarital sex and start to find your groove.

The only problem is that you’ve realized you’re not as popular here as you were back home and you think you’ve figured out why. You’re not ugly, not by any means, but you’re not hot. And your sister is. She’s really fucking hot.

Gary, when he sees her, will have a boner popping out instantly. Part of that is owed to the dearth of attractive women in Northfield, and a lot of it also just comes from Gary being Gary, but your sister's hotness will be the catalyst. Not just for him, (and the majority of the male student body) but almost everyone who lays eyes on your sister is going to get all hard, wet, bothered, or whatever you want to call it and you’ll realize she was the reason you weren’t sent to Juvie as kids. The judge just couldn’t send away a piece of nice-nice that fine, so the two of you walked away from a surprisingly large number of misdemeanors and one kind-of-felony.

The moment she shows up, women who never would’ve taken an interest in you will stop by and chat you up about classes. You’ll be nervous and uninteresting still, like all college freshmen, but they’ll hang on your every mumbled word. That night you’ll sleep with a girl you find attractive for the first time since starting college.

Unfortunately your roommate Gary will masturbate over your sister while you're off in the girl's dorm room, too, which is kind of gross. But she’ll punch him in the balls before he finishes and tell him to go to bed, so that’s kind of cool and badass, and he'll be a lot nicer and less unbearable from then on. You’ll get a lot out of having the hottest Eskimo sister this side of the Mississippi for the rest of your college career.

Well done sir. And congratulations on your hot sister! Could you give her our number? We’d love to buy her a drink some time.