Following your recent downsizing by the State Department (they’re very sorry, still, but they really don’t seen the purpose of having an ambassador to Tonga in this economy) you’ve been depressed. And rightly so. As a politician you’re literally incapable of contributing to society, and your résumé is totally worthless. You might as well scrawl “I am a douche bag” on a piece of paper and hand it to a potential employer.
Luckily being a vapid kiss-ass managed to net you a super hot wife, and despite the self-esteem issues that drew her to you she’s actually a super smart knockout with a great job and lots of money in the bank. As such you’ve been able to live comfortably while looking for jobs and toying with the idea of accomplishing something.
You decided to settle on the easiest thing your dim little brain could come up with: becoming an Olympic athlete. You’re going to start training tomorrow.
Many people become Olympic athletes in order to prove something to themselves. These people become marathon runners, weight lifters, boxers and participants in various other sports that people care about. For example, Carl Lewis became a long jumper to prove that racism couldn’t keep him from out-jumping whitey, and in order to eventually start a racist rumor about black people having an extra bone.
But you’ve always had a different philosophy: aim low. Your successful political career has proven that this strategy works and this time will be no different.
In the summer of 2012, after years of training, you will become the Olympic Gold Medalist at discus. When people ask you what that means at parties you’ll have to give them a nice, long explanation which could be easily replaced by pantomime and most of them will walk away before you finish.
It will easily be the greatest thing you ever accomplish in your entire life.
Congratulations on Winning a Gold Medal in Discus!
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