Congratulations Really Important Soccer Ball!

Soccer is super popular in South America, and today we’re finally going to be able to give you a feasible explanation as to why. Because today you, a humble soccer ball, are going to kill a South American dictator.

You’ll begin your day, as you usually do, being played with by a group of orphans. These orphans will have recently received a bag of candy, care of the United States Marine Corps and so their kicks will be more energetic than usually (they’ll have eaten).

They’ll be so energetic that their usually listless soccer ball playing will be instead horrifyingly energetic. Where normally they simply bat you about lazily they will now actually be kicking you towards the net. They’ll score several goals, shouting “GOAAAAAAAAAL!” each time you connect with the back of the net.

They’ll kick you with greater and greater force, as if by driving you through the back of the net they’ll be able to escape their shitty lives. One boy will kick you so hard that you’ll soar over the net.

You’ll soar through the air, past the edge of the field and into the open top of the dictator of whatever South American country you’re in. You’ll catch the dictator’s driver in the back of the head and knock him into the steering wheel, making him lose control of the car. He’ll crash into a dynamite factory and kill the dictator instantly as you roll back towards the kids so you can continue the game.

The kids will barely even notice the blast, since they live in one of the explodier countries in South America, but the news will notice, and three weeks from now that little South American country will have a new leader who isn’t quite such a prick. Not the best guy in the world, but nowhere near as bad as the last asshole who was running things, which is a blessing.

Congratulations Really Important Soccer Ball!