Congratulations on Being the Best MC Ever!

Many MCs do their derndest to entertain us while they disseminate vital information to crowds. It’ a rough job: they’re generally not very good at entertaining people, or else they would be being announced rather than MCing people, but they also provide us with vital information, like who is coming on stage next and when that cystic fibrosis picnic is going down.

The result is a group of socially stunted, awkward people who like attention but can’t really deal with having attention paid to them- a troublesome group of well meaning folk who aren’t really trying to hurt anyone, but can’t help but draw some ire for just being so unlikable. Today there’s going to be a dent in that perception of MCs, though, because today you’re going to debut on stage.

“Welcome to the Laugh Shack,” you’ll announce to the crowd. They’ll be unruly, staring at one another, yammering on about who knows what; their cats, their taxes, their insanely boring jobs. It’ll seem like they’re absolutely incapable of shutting the fuck up and letting you announce who was about to show up on stage after you leave.

Most MCs would just tell a few shitty jokes and maybe do some light crowd work, but not you. You’re just going to unzip your pants, drop your trousers to your knees and let your dick hang out. Then you’ll tense your kegels and squint real hard and make the magic happen.

Fireworks will shoot out of your dick.

They’ll be small fireworks. They won’t go high – they won’t even hit the ceiling of the comedy club, which will be a modest eight feet. They’ll be bright and a multitude of colors. They’ll all arc and explode perfectly, above and in front of the crowd, silencing them in awe.

After around thirty seconds of that you’ll zip your pants back up and move your mouth back to the microphone.

“Our first act is going to be Nick Thune. Please give him a big round of applause!”

Your introduction wsill have been awkward, but that’ll be one warmed up crowd. Their applause will come as a cascade and Nick Thune will come out laughing, guitar in hand.

“Let’s hear it for that MC. Wow. Just wow,” he’ll begin.

You’ll receive a call at nine AM the next morning from the club manager, asking you to come back and MC again that very night.

Congratulations on Being the Best MC Ever!