Congratulations on Blasting Out the Side of the Mountain!

You’re a wealthy oil tycoon who likes to blow stuff up just for the sheer meanness of it. You don’t even care about there being oil in the shit you blow up, you just like to blow it up and then laugh and laugh and laugh about it.

You recently set your sights on a piece of land owned by a group of industrious youth who run a camp to help at-risk-youth reform their wayward natures and become safe, secure members of society who can contribute and find happiness in the world at large. They don’t charge them anything, run the entire project on donations, and have a prodigious success rate.

You won’t care though. You’ll love oil and destruction so much that those kids and the things they do for kids won’t matter one whit to you, no way, no how. So several months ago you’ll have bought up the land surrounding their wayward youth camp and then started to develop it. Eventually fumes made the wayward youth camp uninhabitable, and the wayward youth camp’s property ownership company was forced to sell off their land or face severe fines for running an at-risk-youth oriented camp in such a toxic environment.

The plucky twenty-somethings who run the camp were left with only one option: a massive fund-raising concert to generate enough funds to purchase their land from the property ownership company so that they could possibly, somehow save their home for wayward youth. So today they’ll get a bunch of bands together, a few celebrities, and then they’ll hold a concert.

It’ll be a huge success, and they’ll raise enough to buy the property. Or rather, they’ll earn enough to buy the property assuming you don’t outbid them by ten grand the entire parcel, which you will.

You’ll then bulldoze their at-risk-youth rehab center while laughing maniacally. The kids and the counselors will just sit there watching you do it, wondering where they’ll be able to go next. A few of them will cry, and the rest will resolve to move to Philadelphia, dragging their weeping cohorts along with them. Once there they’ll hook up with one William Cosby and make the best damn at-risk-youth rehab center in the world, courtesy of the Cosby foundation.

You, on the other hand, will blow up the side of a mountain to find out if there’s oil inside. It turns out there won’t be, and you’ll have spent millions and millions of dollars just to fuck with a group of social activists and inner-city kids. But you’ll have blown up a mountain and hurt some good people, and that’ll make you feel a little bit better about life. Even if it also makes you realize how insignificant you and everything you do truly are.

Congratulations on Blasting Out the Side of the Mountain!