Congratulations Mongoose Smuggler!

Everyone’s gotta live somewhere and everybody’s gotta make a living. And the southwest part of America with all those rocks and mountains and shit, it’s got a lot of snakes. So what better way to make a living than to come down there and bring in something to deal with those snakes than to bring in something to deal with all those snakes? Something safe and natural and kinda cute when you’re not up too close to it? You figured there couldn’t never be a downside to bringing in mongooses and letting people buy them from you. They’d get to protect their property and get a cute animal to keep them company, you’d get to keep the lights and the heat on. Nobody gettin’ hurt, nobody losin’ nothin’ in the trade.

If only the government saw it that way. The Feds have been bird dogging you a while now, and while you’re pretty savvy you’re also proud. So whenever they make an obvious challenge, like when they have a special mongoose exhibit at a museum in Tuscon or something, you always show up to rub the Feds noses in the fact that they can’t catch you.

But as it turns out the Feds aren’t the biggest problem. Mexican cartel runners love snakes for reasons that aren’t entirely clear to us at this point, and they haven’t been happy with your campaign to eliminate snakes from their ancestral snaking grounds. So yesterday they captured your boyfriend (you’re gay by the way) and today you’re going to get him back and in order to do so you’re going to have to get the assistance of those Federales that have been trying to take you down for a good long while.

“This is bigger than me,” you’ll tell them, which is true because you’ll be assisting them in taking down a Mexican drug cartel and all you do is smuggle mongooses into a place where they aren’t native, but don’t really have a significant impact on the ecosystem.

“I know,” the Fed who took over for the Fed you used to sleep with will tell you. He’ll be a lot more professional than that other guy, a fact illustrated by the way he totally ignores your technically illegal but mostly just moronic activities.

“Good,” you’ll nod back at him. Then the two of you will formulate an elaborate strategy to rescue your beau involving mongooses, which the Fed will pretend to agree to in order to get you to go along with his real plan: using your fake plan as a distraction and then killing all of the cartel members with snipers and hoping you and your boyfriend don’t die in the confusion. If the two of you die, they’ll have to do a lot more paperwork, and this guy hates doing paperwork. Either way, you’re proving your love for someone and doing some good in the world today, and it’s been a while since you did either of those things.

Congratulations Mongoose Smuggler!