Congratulations on Finding Your Man All Over Again!

Worried about your marriage? Confused about how to bring the spark back into it after all these years? Here’s an idea: hire a skinhead to beat you with a pool cue until the memory center of your brain is so damaged that you lose the last decade and a half of your memory and believe that you’re still a junior in college.

When you wake up from your coma you’ll be in a hospital bed, alone and disoriented. Before the doctor has a chance to inform you of just what has happened you’ll leap out of the bed, ripping off your heart monitor in the process and triggering an alarm. Then you’ll throw your arms up in the air and scream “SPRING BREAK!” at the top of your lungs, the way you always used to when you were in college (you were kind of an idiot) and run out of the room, gown flapping around you. You’ll run as hard and fast as you can, which will leave you totally winded by the time you reach the end of the hallway.

You’ll pause in the waiting room, hands on your knees, bent over, flashing your ass to an entire hospital. You’ll want to vomit a little on the floor, head spinning, but you’ll just heave for a few seconds there, jaws aching, throat opening and closing in vain. Then you’ll look up and take in the room around you, the bevy of people staring at you.

One of them will catch your eye: an older gentleman in a suit and tie, nice shoes, jacket off, looking nervous, kind of desperate. He’ll make you think of a sexy professor, sort of. He’ll be your husband, but you won’t know that (remember, you’ll have mentally regressed to being a junior in college). You’ll just know you want him inside you. You’ll walk up to him and run your tongue along your lips, which will be super super dry.

“Hey there,” you’ll say, brushing up against him so that your vagina kind of touches the top of his leg. “Waiting for someone?”

He’ll look at you like you’re crazy, then nod. You’ll flutter your eyes at him and place your hand on the side of his face.

“Is it me?” you’ll ask. He’ll nod emphatically this time and you’ll smile and pat the side of his face before dragging him off to a supply closet, where you’ll have sex with him while the doctor and orderlies search for you. Later on, after you’ve emerged and the doctors explain your condition to him he’ll feel awful, like he just took advantage of a young woman and cheated on you at the same time. But then, later on, the two of you will learn to incorporate role play into your sex and this will become a huge trigger for the both of you, so don’t stress over it!

Congratulations on Finding Your Man All Over Again!