Congratulations on Making Her the Best Glass of Orange Juice Ever!

You’ve been trapped in the basement of a crazed old woman who thinks you’re an incredibly gifted novelist for months now. She lured you in when your car broke down outside her house and she’s had you chained near her boiler with a typewriter for a long while now. She occasionally stops by to throw things at you and shout at you to “write better,” which you never do.

But today things are going to be a little different. Today she’s going to unlock your manacle and ask you, quite politely, to make her a glass of fresh squeezed orange juice.

You’ll walk up her stairs unsteadily, legs trembling with the effort of movement after months of atrophy. When you reach the top you’ll see that she has arrayed a variety of oranges on her kitchen table, organized by size, shape and region of origin. You’ll be excited, since your real job is working as a professional juice maker, and set to work right away.

You’ll select a blend of oranges, so that the flavors pop appropriately, and squeeze each orange to its maximum potential. You’ll take great care not to obliterate the orange, not to make the juice too pulpy or watery. After fifteen minutes of intense labor your arms will be sore from the bustle of activity after months of disuse. Your legs will be screaming from standing up. But you’ll have a perfect glass of orange juice ready for consumption, set in front of that crazy old lady.

She’ll put down the rifle she’s had pointed at you this whole time and gingerly take a sip. Then a slurp. Then a gulp down the back of her throat. She’ll make a little moaning noise and, inside of her head, she’ll realize she needs to let you go.

Unfortunately she won’t get a chance to tell you that. She’ll be hit in the back of the head with a toaster by you. The force of your blow will knock her to the floor, where you’ll climb on top of her and smash her face repeatedly with the toaster clutched in both hands.

When you’re finished she’ll be unrecognizable, and you’ll be free to leave, which will be pretty great. But on your way out you’ll be sure to make a fresh glass of OJ and take a nice long sip of it, just to keep your strength up.

Congratulations on Making Her the Best Glass of Orange Juice Ever!