Congratulations Creepy Con-Goer!

Final Fantasy 7 was a big deal for a lot of people – it introduced a lot of people to the idea of video games in general, to characters they cared about and to storytelling in a digital age. It also, for some people (including you) constituted their introduction to masturbation. Tifa’s heaving bosom pushing out after a successful battle remains a vivid image in your mind, one you return to between four and sixteen times a week, depending on how busy you are at work.

Now some people would just fap off and leave it at that. But you always feel a little unhappy whenever you finish jerking off: you feel like the fantasy is gone and like it’ll never really be fulfilled, a tragic and isolating sensation. The only solution you can come up with is to try and make your fantasy a reality: to find a woman who is willing to dress up as Tifa and make her into your life mate.

This limits your dating pool pretty severely. There aren’t that many women who are willing to dress up as video game characters in general, and women who are willing to dress up as video game characters whose tits are straining against a battered tanktop are even more of a rare find.

But you’ve come up with a solution: you travel from Con to Con in America, searching for women who are dressed as Tifa. When you find them you aggressively hit on them until they acquiesce and let you date them. You dress up as Vincent from Final Fantasy 7 as well to make the entire process, in your words, “less weird.”

But it’s still really weird, and your aggression doesn’t serve you well. You’re just not hot enough to pick up women that way, and when you try it doesn’t make you seem confident so much as “rape inclined.”

But today, at some weird obscure Con in Baltimore, something amazing is going to happen. A young woman in a Tifa costume is going to spot you from across the hall and stomp over. She’s going to tap you on the shoulder and then, when you turn around, she’s going to kiss you as hard as she can. Then she’s going to whisper in your ear.

“I’ve always wanted to get fucked by a guy in a Vincent outfit while I’m dressed as Tifa,” she’ll murmur. “You up to it?”

You’ll nod emphatically and she’ll take you into a bathroom where you’ll have the most transcendent five minutes of your life. After you’re finished you’ll cradle each other on top of the toilet seat, glowing. The world will seem totally at peace for the two of you. You’ll beam out at the universe and wonder if this sensation of wonder will ever end.

It’ll keep on lasting right up until she starts complaining about her husband, and how hard he’s going to make it to keep this thing going. He’s a private detective, you see.

Congratulations Creepy Con-Goer!