Congratulations Susan Boyle's Lover!

Everyone knows that Susan Boyle dreamed a dream that love would never die and it was kind of weird for all of us because she was, to be fair, quite homely, and we as a culture are used to homely people having dreams that not only could but should die. But hers didn’t and she went from being ugly church lady to cultural icon, went from belting out songs in front of the pews to doing it on national television. And with that transformation some shit happened.

Most prominent among this shifting tide of shit was the explosion of her sexual appetite: Susan Boyle’s sex partner count suddenly spiked from zero to like four, and sex became a sort of drug for her, a holy experience she could use to ground herself, to find her center as a human being and communicate her art.

Soon she found herself unable to sing without getting a little bit of hm-hm in her hoo-haa at least once a month, maybe more if the mood struck her. But who, who were the brave cadre of men who stood upon the brink and leapt face first into the cavernous maw and hunger of her loins? The first round are a band of heroes we shall never know. The second round consisted of a group of bold young men from Bristol county who won a radio contest and never spoke of it again. And the third round consisted of you and you alone: the only person who ever loved her truly.

Today we’d like to celebrate you, because today she’s going to take off those ridiculous panties, adorned with tiny crosses and a little bit of talcum powder and lay on a bed before you and for the first time in your long life as a male prostitute you’re going to feel not disgust for the beast you’ve been paid to fuck but love and sympathy for a woman who society forgot. You’re going to get on your knees and work your tongue upon her sex and bring her to the most screaming, rocking orgasm of her life. And as you lay there looking up at her as she pants breathlessly afterwards you’ll feel you’ve done something useful for the first time in your long, uneventful life as a handsome man who sleeps with women for money.

It’ll be a good feeling.

Congratulations Susan Boyle’s Lover!