Congratulations on Eating All the Suet You Like!

Times are tough in this economy. We even came up with a little saying to drive it home: ITE. See, wasn’t that clever? Well, we think it was, and that’s what really counts. Anyhow, people have to find a way to survive. Which is why you’ve taken to eating things people normally don’t eat.

You’ve done lots of stuff on this front so far: you’ve eaten cat food, dog food, lizard food. You even sprinkled some fish food into water and then drank it to see if it would keep you from blacking out (it didn’t). But these various measures still cost money, money you don’t have if you want to maintain your lavish penthouse lifestyle. So today you’re going to try something new, something cheaper.

Turns out suet, that fatty tissue normally taken from cows or sheep, is dirt cheap. And you know who loves that? Birds! No one’s ever heard of an unhealthy bird, either. So you know what you’re going to do, right? That’s right! You’re going to buy a bunch of suet at the grocery store, take it home and eat it up.

“You must really like birds,” the cashier will say. You’ll nod at him tersely. Then you’ll run out the door, suit flapping in the wind, back to your apartment where you’ll tear into the suet with your teeth.

You’ll feel like a wild beast devouring a fresh kill, a very cold fresh kill, which will make you feel very masculine and help you get through the truly, truly awful taste of suet. After eating your fill (which will take less than a minute) you’ll retch into the sink for around fifteen minutes, but luckily nothing will come up.

“I can make this work,” you’ll tell your garbage disposal, which stubbornly won’t respond: it really wanted you to vomit into it.

Congratulations on Eating All the Suet You Like!