There are plenty of great trees in human history who have done lots of amazing shit. Shel Silvertstein’s Giving Tree, for example, did amazing shit for all the people who asked it for things. And Yggdrasyl was pretty awesome, we’re pretty sure it gave us some stuff (like the substance of the universe for example). But there’s never been a sentient tree quite like you.
You’re a tree who likes to grow his branches into people’s bedrooms and steal their underwear.
Normally you do it while people are away at work, which means they just notice some shit missing from their dressers when they get back. But every once in a while you fuck up and break into an occupied room and have to get out fast. You’ve never been caught before, but today you will be.
An unemployed 24 year old who used to work in customer service will be napping in her room, wearing a pair of Mickie Mouse underpants clearly made for an adult by some sort of ironically kitchy underwear company. You’ll notice that the young woman isn’t just a pile of clothes but is, in fact, a very sad person as you reach in her window and graze her bottom, trying to grab her underwear.
She’ll rouse instantly, throwing off the covers and she’ll see a tree branch poking in through the window and she’ll let off a scream that will make your bark crawl. You’ll try to grab her as quickly as you can, but she’ll be out the door before you have a chance to catch her and either explain things to her or kill her (despite being a tree and incredibly long lived you’re not a very good planner) and she’ll call the DPW for her town from the hallway, sobbing.
They’ll show up almost immediately and remove the, as she’ll call it “rape tree,” with extreme prejudice, chopping off your limbs and ripping your trunk from the ground. In a few hours you’ll be on a pile of wood, screaming your last which, since you’re a tree, will be very, very quiet.
Congratulations Sentient Tree!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment