Congratulations Needlessly Aggressive Midget!

When you’re short it’s easy to look at the world and see it arrayed against you. Objects on high shelves, a disturbing lack of midget on midget porn, Starbucks naming their smallest size a tall. It’s all a bunch of fucking bullshit, and it’s fine to think that and even say it. But you don’t need to go around trying to start fights about it all the time.

At first it was kind of endearing: it was your thing, and damned if anyone was going to take it away from you. But as time progressed it became less a charming idiosyncracy and more a violent, anti-social tendency that made people not want to invite you to parties. Every time you showed up if anyone said hi to your or asked your name you’d get into a fight with them about their use of the word “name.”

That by itself would be bad enough, but you’ve also lost every fight you’ve ever been in, and you carry it around on your shoulder all the time. All those people who invite you to their parties that you then get into fights at will invite you to coffee the next day to try to talk to you about what went down and make sure you’re okay and you’ll then freak out and try to fight them which, in turn, you’ll lose. It’s a vicious cycle.

But today it’s going to crack wide open because today you’re going to pick a fight with a toy poodle and really just beat the shit out of it. It’ll be tied up on a light post on the way to Crown Heights and it’ll look at you like it thinks it’s better than you. So you’ll grab your house keys and punch it as hard as you can in the face. That’ll knock the toy poodle to the ground and cut a nasty looking gash across its snout.

You’ll continue walking down the street, not wanting to wait for the owner to show up and ask why you just beat up his or her dog, but the feeling of power will be unlike anything else you’ve ever experienced. It’ll be how you image tall people feel all the time.

Congratulations Needlessly Aggressive Midget!