Congratulations on Finding Out What Sounds Sound Like!

You’re a deaf person and like all deaf people you’ve always been curious what sounds sound like. But medicine hasn’t advanced far enough to really give you a good idea of what that’s all about, so you’ve spent most of your life just wondering and waiting for time to give you a chance to hear. You’ve spent months and months sitting in your one bedroom apartment, lamenting the lack of music in your life.

“What cruel fate!” you think you’re saying, “That has so severely barred me from this experience!”

Really you’re kind of just mumbling like “WHA CRA FA! SA SO BARRO MATO EXPARA!”

It sounds pretty cool, kind of like some ancient, mystical language, but it isn’t what you’re going for and you don’t know any better because you can’t hear yourself. You’re deaf, all you know about speech is that when people move their lips shit comes out.

But today is your lucky today. Today a crazy scientist is going to finally get clearance to perform one of his crazier experiments and he’s going to take the ears from a convicted murderer and transplant them on to you.

It won’t just be the outside of the ears, either. It’ll be all the working parts, the ear guts and everything. After the murderer is executed they’ll rush the ears over to you in a cooler (a pair of coolers, really, to make sure the ear guts don’t get tangled up) and they’ll get you in there and cut open your skull and ram the murderer’s ears into the space your ruined listening pipes once sat.

Today you’re going to wake up from the operation and, for the first time ever, you’re going to hear stuff. The first thing you hear will be the door opening, which will be amazing. Then you’ll hear the doctor walking up to you. Then he’ll open his mouth and ask how you’re doing. You’ll know this is what he’s asking because his lips will form those words and you’ll be quite good at reading lips at this point.

But you’ll hear him say “HAIL SATAN, KILL THE BREEDERS!” instead.

You’ll open your mouth to tell him that something is wrong but you’ll suddenly realize that you have no idea how to speak, so instead you’ll sign at him.

I think there’s something wrong with these ears?

What do you mean, his lips will say.

His voice will echo “FUCKING WHORES GOTTA DIE!”

You’ll sign at him. I think I’m just hearing what a murderer hears that makes him kill, which is so much worse than being deaf.

These last few signs will be kind of complex, so he won’t really know what’s going on. He’ll leave the room to go find a speech therapist who knows enough sign language to effectively translate and you’ll put on the TV to pass the time. The only sound that comes out of it will be the sound of dogs barking which, compared to the weird satanic voices you’ve been hearing, will actually be quite nice. So nice you won’t even put on the closed captions, you’ll be so pleased to just let the dogs talk at one another.

Congratulations on Finding Out What Sounds Sound Like!