Boats sometimes grow consciousnesses. Everyone knows it but not everyone likes to talk about it. That’s why we name boats, so they’ll have a sense of who they are when they come to life and, as a result, won’t murder everyone on board them with their fucking boat magic. But there’s a downside: sometimes people name boats wrong and those boats attain consciousness and they’re furious.
Today this is going to happen to you.
You’re a stately little steam powered river cruiser named The African Queen in reference to the boat from the classic film that you strongly resemble. But you have self-esteem issues (you think you look too heavy, even though everyone else thinks you look just right and they’re totally correct) and you don’t like being named after a boat, however venerable that you see as fat as well.
In retaliation to your owners, roughly twenty minutes after attaining sentience you’re going to lose your shit and totally make your boiler explode, beginning a cascade of explosions that will wreck the hull and kill most of the crew on board at the time. The survivors will flee into the river, where crocodiles will devour them.
All this just goes to show: self esteem issues hurt more than just the person who has them, it hurts everyone that relies on that person and, in the case of boats, can also prove damaging to the environment!
Congratulations African Queen!
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