Congratulations on Discovering How Much You Love Being Poked With Thousands of Needles!

You’ve been poked and prodded in an almost inconceivable number of ways, stretching back to your first sexual experience way back in high school. And after half a decade of banging your way through a veritable lacrosse team of partners you finally found the one for you: a young man with a big heart and a dick to match that you decided to settle down into common law marriage with one drizzly evening two years ago.

But lately sex hasn’t been doing it for you the way it used to: something about the absence of filthy, dirty anonymous sex is making you feel like you’re kind of a failure in life and you don’t like it. Your common-law husband recommended that the two of you start swinging or engaging in poly-play, but both those things sound growth, so you talked to your mom about it and she had a way, way better idea: sexual acupuncture.

Here’s how it’s going to happen: you’re going to go to an acupuncturist tomorrow. You’re going to sit down and ask her if it’s okay to have your common law husband fuck you while you get pins rammed into your skin. She’ll nod, but with a few caveats.

“You need to sign a waiver, and I can’t do any points on your face. I’d also strongly recommend that you use a condom.”

“Why?”

She’ll shrug. “The barrier method is pretty effective at stopping pregnancy, and I’d rather you not end up pregnant. I think you’d both be terrible parents.”

You’ll nod in agreement and sign the waiver. Then the next day you’ll show up, condom in hand, with your man and lay down on the table. As the pins enter your back and your ass you’ll feel more relaxed than you ever have before.

“Good?” the acupuncturist will ask intermittently. You’ll moan in response. After around ten minutes of that she’ll leave the room and your husband will enter you without a condom on. He’ll fuck you so hard that your muscles will start to clench around a few of the more delicately placed pins, causing your relaxation to shift to pain, a spectrum of sensation that feeds back into itself, delivering ceaseless agony to you in rotation with profound relaxation.

When he finally comes inside you, though, your entire body will suddenly stop feeling any tension, any anxiety. Instead you’ll have the strangest and most purifying orgasm in your entire life. Your body will all but shut down, breathing slowing, eyes batting idly, world coming into focus for the first time, maybe the only real time in your entire life.

You’ll also be pregnant.

Surprise!

Congratulations on Discovering How Much You Love Being Poked With Thousands of Needles!