Congratulations on Seeing Carrie Ann Moss Naked!

Things haven’t been great for Carrie Ann Moss since the Matrix series ended. She’s worked, sure, but she’s never been quite as well paid or well regarded. Which is a shame, because she still lives on in the collective nerd unconsciousness as a halcyon example of our dream girl – the damaged hypercompetent survivalist who just wants to learn how to love. It seems like that archetype is just aching to be filled, but the media nutjobs in Hollyweird haven’t been doing jack shit to do it.

So a few months ago you contacted Carrie Ann Moss’ agent. You sent her a script, set up a shoot time and got production started on a high concept porno called “The Fucktrix,” (you’re terrible at making, naming and writing movies) where people no longer have sex, they just jack off at one another into webcams. The movie will feature Carrie Ann Moss, your roommate Franklin and Hugo Weaving as people who re-enact the plot of the Matrix using masturbation in place of fight scenes.

Weaving and Moss will only have agreed because you’ll be paying them nearly your entire budget. The film will be shot on a single digital camera in the apartments of people you know. You don’t have distribution for it yet and, honestly, probably never will. In the years to come you’ll look at the making of this movie as the point where your life really started to go downhill: your body collapsing, losing your job and all your money. But today, even if you knew what was to come, you still wouldn’t change a thing. Because today you’re going to shoot Carrie Ann Moss’ nude scene.

It’ll just be you, her and a PA in your apartment and you’ll call her Trinity for the entire shoot. By the end she’ll be visibly agitated – it’ll be all she can do to keep herself from punching you in the head and walking out – but you’ll have forty minutes of her pretending to masturbate into a camera and a strong memory of what her pubic hair looks like. It’ll be a dream come true, and in the months to come when you struggle to find distribution for your film you’ll turn time and time again to her footage, thinking that even if no one else ever sees a single frame of your film, at least you managed to get this out of it.

Congratulations on Seeing Carrie Ann Moss Naked!