Congratulations Zen Master!

Buddhism is about a constant pursuit of wisdom which itself cannot be fulfilled: a methodology more than a philosophy, a state of attempting to attain which demands constant effort and promises nothing in return. So when you claim that you’re a “Buddhist master” you have to understand how that sounds – like you’ve won at Buddhism, like you’ve “made it” at long last.

And with that understanding in mind you have to understand why the International Council of Buddhists, a notoriously angry group of passive aggressive old men and very, very calm Jewish mothers, will vote today to disbar you as a Buddhist.

“But I’ve been Buddhing so hard!” you’ll protest, at which they’ll shake their heads.

“To try is to fail,” the old men will gently inform you before sharing angry glances with one another and making blowjob gestures at one another, occasionally pausing to point at you.

“It seems like you rejecting me is pretty un-Buddhist,” you’ll say as a pair of bald dudes in yellow robes seemingly emerge from the walls to take you and drag you off.

“We checked the charter,” one of the Jewish moms will retort. “It’s actually not.”

You’ll want to ask to check the charter too, but then you’ll realize that asking to see the charter would be an admission of not being a master, which would make you look pretty silly. So you’ll let the guys in robes drag you from the hall in silence. They’ll leave you outside the temple, which will be located behind the Hooters in Missoula, Montana (where no one would ever think to look!). A gentle rain will be falling upon you, as if to mock your predicament, inviting tears.

You’ll raise your fist to the sky and shake it.

“I will found a rogue school of Buddhism!” you’ll shout at the sky. “Where people can be as Buddhist as they want!”

Then you’ll kick a can for getting in the way of your serenity.

Congratulations Zen Master!