Congratulations Hideous Experiment Gone Wrong!

The government has all sorts of freaky shit going on in underground labs: they're developing new weapons, making disease bombs that can wipe out entire continents in a matter of days. They're genetically engineering kids so that they can murder dozens of people like in the movie Hanna and they're growing mutant creatures intended to horrify and rip through America's enemy. Creatures like you.

But here's the thing. It's the government, so these experiments almost never seem to work out the way they planned. Sometimes the kids are just a little too unruly and they end up killing everyone on the military base and then eating all the cookies and getting obese and dying when their oversized hearts explode. Sometimes the disease doesn't so much kill as make people silver, and then they move to Montana and run in local elections like a crazy person. And sometimes they result in creatures like you.

You were supposed to be a giant wolfman possessed of heightened senses, incredible strength and agility, and an inherent hatred for terrorism of all kinds. But the government didn't quite the get the mix right, and instead of hating terrorists you're actually a pacifist. You aren't a sissy, but you don't think that conflict solves a whole lot. You like to quote Bertrand Russel a lot when people ask about your views.

Normally the government would just kill you, but you were such a success in so many other ways that it would seem like a waste to them. So instead of tricking you into wandering into an incinerator they're going to set you free in northern Canada.

So today you're going to see your first glimpse of sunlight, run down and kill your first bit of live prey and see your first young tourist bathing in public, unaware that you're watching her. It'll be a good day, one you'll remember fondly in four years when a regime shift back to the right triggers a government effort to hunt you down and results in the death of hundreds of soldiers and four or five major Hollywood actors who were hired to play soldiers during the hunt.

Congratulations Hideous Experiment Gone Wrong!