Congratulations Wannabe Sous Chef!

You were once a culinary arts student at a culinary arts academy so elite we dare not name it here, lest its fierce guardians track us down and butcher us for violating their trust and secrecy. But this was long ago, and one fucked up souffle and six years of hard luck later has you slinging on Chef Ramses' Kitchen Challenge, which we assume is some sort of Egyptian themed cooking show.

Most people there are competing to become a professional chef of some kind - maybe they'll work as a low level employee in the kitchen of the asshole who ridicules you all day in and day out, or maybe they'll open their own restaurant and thrive on the publicity afforded to them by their time on a third rate cooking show. Whatever, they have dreams.

But not you. You're on the show so you can put it on your resume and get work as a sous chef in the future. Your goal is to stick around just long enough that you'll be remembered, but not for so much time that you'll be remembered too well. You want to be seen as reliable, but not overly motivated so that anyone who hires you won't expect very much from you and will let you rest comfortably in the middle, which is just where you like it after years of mediocrity and more years of crack addiction.

And we're pleased to tell you that today is going to be your lucky day - today you're going to be voted off the show. You won't be particularly hated, nor will you be a fan favorite. During the exit interview people will say "she was nice enough, but she wasn't really that motivated" and "she was really quiet, especially about her past."

You'll spend most of the day savoring your thing that resembles success, watching TV and masturbating languidly in the bathroom so as not to disturb your cat or your roommate who works as a web designer. Tomorrow you'll start applying for your "dream" job, but today is for you. Savor it. You're going to be working for scraps for the rest of your shitty life.

Congratulations Wannabe Sous Chef!