Today, while wandering through your garden, you’re going to discover David the gnome trapped in a tiny bear trap.
“Help!” he’ll cry in a feeble, reedy voice.
“OH SHIT!” you’ll shout, stomping down with your boot and crushing his tiny body.
Magic will keep him alive despite his grievous injuries, but he’ll wish he wasn’t. And he won’t be giving you the gold and treasure that he was going to give you in exchange for your help. You really could’ve used that money to stave off foreclosure on your house for another decade and pay your daughter’s tuition to Sarah Lawrence where she absolutely must go because she’s “finding her identity as a lesbian.”
You could probably make it up to him if you brought him indoors and tried to tend to his horrid wounds, but you won’t be able to bring yourself to do it. Instead you’ll grab a fire extinguisher and go outside to spray him with it for forty five minutes until you’re satisfied he’s not going anywhere. Then you’ll go to your bedroom, jack off and take a nap, leaving him to do whatever gnomes do when they’re horribly injured.
Congratulations on Discovering David of David the Gnome!
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