Congratulations on Falling Out With Your Sister-in-Law!

You married your wife ages ago for reasons that aren’t entirely clear to you and ever since then you’ll had an uneasy alliance with your sister-in-law.

The two of you never really got along. You met during the wedding, where your sister-in-law was basically trying to Bridezilla the whole fucking thing before it even started. She’s always kind of hated her sister and she wanted to see her special day blow right up in her face. It didn’t really happen that way – trying to make your wife panic about the dress, asking her if she was sure so many times the words lost what little meaning they had and asking about the sex, requesting greater and greater details, all just culminating in pissing your wife off so badly that she swore off talking to her for a year. You conversed with your sister-in-law briefly during the ceremony and didn’t find her too unpleasant, but didn’t shed any tears over having her walk out of your life when she did.

After the two of them starting talking again they enjoyed a renewed friendship where your wife wanted the best for her insufferable piece of shit sister and your sister-in-law just wanted to tear down everything your wife built for herself. You stayed out of it mostly, laughing as the two argued, smiling as they made up and once jacking off in the shower to a (admittedly wrong) fantasy about sleeping with the two of them at once. The result was an uneasy peace centered around your neutrality in the matter, a peace which is going to collapse today.

See, today your sister-in-law is going to stop by for dinner at your place. She’s going to get into an argument with her date which will lead to him leaving early and to her and your wife drinking way, way too much. You’ll drink quite a bit too but you, as well as your sister-in-law, will be practiced hands at drinking by this point in your lives and you’ll easily outlast your wife. She’ll pass out on the couch watching some show on the Discovery channel and you and your sister will get to talking about the sort of shit you’d discuss in college: religion, politics and, after the first bottle of Old Crow is gone, sex.

Once sex comes up as a conversation topic you’ll start discussing it in graphic detail – favorite positions, thoughts on oral, things that no one ever discusses with someone they plan on sleeping with. Unless, of course, they’re as drunk as the two of you are.

When it happens it won’t be the product of a seduction play or even the product of a carefully measured and considered campaign to get into someone’s pants. Instead it’ll be a wave crashing over the dam, a slip up of a kiss that will lead to a trip to the bathroom together which will lead to your jeans on the floor, her skirt hiked up, her hand against the wall and your leg precariously balanced on the toilet to keep her thigh elevated.

When it’s over you’ll feel incredibly dirty, as will she, and the two of you won’t be able to talk for days. When you do finally email each other you’ll agree to avoid communicating for a long time, long enough for this to die down. This will lead to an uneasy silence at family functions and a six year period of silence that will persist until, on the sixth anniversary of your little mistake, while at another dinner party with your sister-in-law’s latest slice of man, she’ll get into a shouting match with your wife and reveal that the two of you had some pretty intense sex a while back.

Enjoy the ensuing months of marital therapy!

Congratulations on Falling Out With Your Sister-in-Law!