Congratulations on Giving Us All Boners!

If boners were a limited commodity you’d have completely bankrupted our national reserves long ago. To say that you’re attractive is a disservice. You are mouth watering, leg weakening. You’re Jessica Alba multiplied by Heath Ledger divided by Carey Grant to the Carey Ewles power. To look upon you is to know the love of god, or gods, depending on whether or not you’re a Cylon.

But normally your beauty isn’t spread around. Normally it’s a jealously guarded secret held close by the ones who love you. They won’t let you leave the house without a hoodie and giant douchey sunglasses, and they’ll never let you do it alone. But like all other things in the world your beauty yearns to be free. And as such it will find a way.

In this case its way will be to get you on the local news one day when you’re walking down the street with the roommate who masturbates thinking about you every night but is too scared to ask if you’d like to make out. She’ll have lost track of you for a moment, distracted by some kittens in the window of a pet shop, when the newsman will fall upon you.

“What do you think about muffins?!” he’ll shout at you, spittle flying from his mouth as he does so.

You’ll remove your glasses and look at him with those gorgeous gray-green-blue-hazel eyes and he’ll drop his microphone and start weeping. The cameraman, however, will do his job and get some amazing footage of you. By the time your roommate notices the hullabalooh he’ll have shot three and a half minutes of you talking about what you like about muffins.

It will be three and a half of the most profound minutes of television ever shot.

The network will refuse to air it, realizing its potential for both mass bonerage and its potential to make people recognize the beauty inherent in the world give up the random message of “consume” which dominates their abysmal lives. But the camera, god bless his heart, will have expected such a cowardly course of action by the studio. He’ll have kept a copy of the footage for himself and he’ll put it up on Youtube.

Within hours he’ll be dead, killed by network assassins, but the footage will be out and the world will never be the same.

It will be titled “AMAZING GIRL TALKS ABOUT MUFFINS” and it will attain several hundreds of million hits within 48 hours. Within a week everyone with an internet connection will have seen your shimmering eyes flush with joy as you talk about breakfast pastries.

This will lead to a worldwide surplus of boners, thanks entirely to you. We just hope you lay low afterwards. There are a lot of crazy fuckers out there (we’re looking at you, nation of Armenia) and they might hurt you if they figure out where you are. Just trust in your roommates and keep your head down. We’re all rooting for you.

Congratulations on Giving Us All Boners!