Most men hear the words “Julia Roberts Marathon” and quiver, but not you. You liked Pretty Woman and didn’t have any problems with Runaway Bride. Julia Roberts, whose very name should fill you with fear, doesn’t really do much for you as a result. You can deal with her on a physical and emotional level in a way that most human beings, male and female, simply aren’t capable of.
Which is why your wife will be so shocked when you don’t file for divorce halfway through Erin Brokovich. It’ll be film number five of your marathon, and none of the movies so far will have been related to elaborate heists. By the two third mark of Brokovich she’ll have begun to tremble visibly. When you ask her what’s wrong she’ll refuse to answer and the two of you will just continue watching Erin Brokovich.
She’ll enter a seizure around twenty minutes later, just before Erin Brokovich ends. You’ll drive her to the hospital post-haste, since you weren’t terribly invested in Erin Brokovich anyways. She’ll get there and you’ll describe the situation and doctors will immediately put 28 Days Later on a fly-ass plasma screen in her hospital room, resuscitating your wife in a matter of minutes. She’ll thank you profusely and apologize for putting you through all that terror just to make sure you really loved her and weren’t fucking her sister, which you’re doing, but your genetic abnormality will have cleared you of all suspicion in her eyes. So it’s really win-win for everyone involved, all thanks to your unique ability to watch Julia Roberts without losing your mind.
Congratulations on Your Shocking Endurance!
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