Congratulations on Only Doing a Little Crack!

You’re a great dad most of the time, much like yesterday’s erotic cake dude, but you’ve got one serious problem. You’re hooked on crack. But because you’re such a great dad your wife is willing to work through it with you, help you go through the steps and even offering to help you ease on to just smoking pot as a group so you can still party as much as you like to.

But there’s a problem. Crack is super addictive and you’re not good at making difficult sacrifices. Even though you love your wife and daughter a ton you sort of love crack more, until you’ve recently had crack and then you’re wondering why you did all that crack just now and maybe if there’s any more that you could do in a little bit.

But with your wife’s help and with benefits from your recent firing (you’re a black Eskimo and even though they fired you for smoking crack while driving a school bus the district didn’t want to risk a lawsuit) you’ve been seeing a therapist who suggested that you not try to quite cold turkey, but rather just fellate men for crack to smoke and then smoke it in a filthy alley with the taste of semen on your breath a little less often, and maybe smoke a little less until you barely feel like smoking it at all.

Today you’re going to put her plan into action. You’ll only agree to give your dealer a handjob in exchange for a smaller than usual amount of crack, and when you smoke it it will already have lost some of its luster, because the horrible scent won’t be blotting out the flavor of semen on your tongue. Instead it’ll cover up the odor of your wife’s perfume with an offensive smell akin to burning styrofoam.

As you sit there, letting it rush into your lungs and course through your veins into your mind you’ll feel a little sad, which will kind of ruin the whole crack experience for you and make you wonder just how good at her job your therapist really is.

Congratulations on Only Doing a Little Crack!