Congratulations on Killing All the Spiders!

You’ll do it late tonight, so late it almost won’t make it into the day. You’ll do it because they’ve been poor roommates, eating their fill of insects and never paying rent. You’ll do it out of spite more than anything else.

You’ll do it with fire. You’ll do it when they least expect, when you’re usually asleep and, ergo, you assume they to be asleep. You’ll come upon them as they tend to their spiderly duties, mending all the webs you broke in a passive aggressive fit of rage earlier in the day.

You’ll drop the gas can with a burning rag in it near them and tell them “If you were better roommates you’d be able to put out the flames before they made the entire place go up.” They’ll pretend they haven’t heard you and you’ll take that as the last nail in their coffin, turning and leaving the apartment with your laptop bag and most of your clothes packed into a duffel slung over your shoulders.

When you leave there will be silence for a few moments, then an explosion that rushes out the door after you. You’ll drop to your knees when you realize what you’ve done. You’ll spend the next few years fighting crime before a woman finally takes pity on you and you get your act together.

Congratulations on Killing All the Spiders!