Congratulations on Giving Up Selling Cocaine for a Day!

You’ve long wondered if people really like you for you or simply like you because of your wonderful, wonderful cocaine. That’s why today you’re going to give up selling cocaine for a day.

It will begin like any other day at the crack of noon. Your girlfriend will flop out of bed on to the floor and writhe to her feet, stumbling towards the bathroom. You’ll turn over in your bed, expecting to hear the reassuring flush of the toilet and the sound of her brushing her teeth as she tries to get you up for the day. Instead you’ll hear an unearthly scream and she’ll burst into your bedroom, panting.

“WHERE IS THE COCAINE?!” she’ll shout, her hands clenched into tiny little fists.

“I decided to stop selling it,” you’ll say, your morning haze shielding you from realizing just how horrible her rage truly is.

It won’t last.

She’ll cross the room like a force of nature, lightning striking your body and hurling you against a wall. You’ll taste blood in your mouth and feel plaster fall to the floor all around you, dusting you. You’ll try to get up but your arms and legs won’t work.

She’ll walk over to you slowly, violent intent in her eyes, and pick you up by the throat. “Get out of my apartment,” she’ll say, staring you in the face.

“But,” you’ll struggle to say, “This is my apartment.”

Her eyes will narrow and she’ll hurl you out of the fourth story window of your apartment and across the street on to a car.

You’ll be stunned, not just because of the impact. You’ll also be shocked at just how strong your girlfriend is and just how much she cares about your status as a neighborhood cocaine dealer. You’ll be laying on top of the crumpled vehicle, pondering these topics and slowly testing your body’s ability to move to see if you’ve been permanently injured when a friend of yours, Terrence, who sometimes buys cocaine from you notices you and will come over to ask if you’re alright. Terrence is a professor of English literature at Sarah Lawrence College.

“Jeez,” he’ll say, removing his hipster glasses to assess your condition. “Do you feel alright?”

“Yeah,” you’ll say as he helps you to your feet. “Thanks, Terry.” He’ll nod.

“No problem.” After a brief pause where the two of you examine your body for additional injury he’ll perk up a little. “Hey, do you have any cocaine I could buy?”

You’ll shake your head. “Sorry. Stopped selling today.”

He’ll nod, calmly, then punch you in the face as hard as his angry little body can manage. You’ll see stars and tumble backwards on to the pavement once more, the taste of blood now familiar in your mouth.

The day will continue in this fashion, more or less, with you meeting various people that you know and them asking you for coke. At one point little girls will throw mixed nuts at you, chanting that you’re a pussy for holding out on your friends. A homeless man will refuse to pee on you, a hipster will smile at you and everything in The City will be out of alignment. After a long, harrowing journey, all the worse for the relative social acceptance you’ve enjoyed as a coke dealer, you’ll finally reach your supplier, Jacob.

“Jacob!” you’ll shout at him from the street. He’ll poke his head out of his window and look down at you, dreadlocks all atumble around his face. He’ll look angry that you’re there. “I want to start selling cocaine again!”

His frown will turn to a smile and he’ll throw down a package of drug product to you. Within seconds a young man will high five you on the street and by the time you get home world will have gotten to your girlfriend, who will be back to pretending she loves you once more.

Congratulations on Giving Up Selling Cocaine for a Day!