Congratulations on Doing Acid With the Woman You Love!

It’s been a long hard marriage. It has been through ups and downs and trial separations. The two of you have raised two wonderful children and three fucking amazing cats. Now you've put all of them through one sort of college or another and now you’re settling into your twilight years.

Part of this is that you’ve recently come to accept that you won’t be able to do all the things you’d dreamed of. You know that you’ll never walk across the surface of the moon or visit the depths of the Marinas trench in a submarine. You’ll never sit in a flying car or sleep with your wife and an Asian teenager. But there’s one thing you haven’t been able to come to terms with.

You and your wife have long wanted to drop acid together. As responsible citizens and parents it was impossible for you to balance your desire to try hallucinogens with your desire to do right by your kids. But now that you no longer have to worry about money or setting a good example you’ll decide to drop acid as a group at the ripe age of seventy.

You’ll come home this evening with some tabs freshly purchased from one of your son’s old high school friends who never left town. You’ll have your fridge well stocked with frozen foods and delicious beverages so that you won’t have to leave the house for a while. Then the two of you will sit down in your incredibly comfy chairs (which all septuagenarians have by government mandate) and slip two tabs each under your tongues.

“Do you feel anything?” your wife will ask, her head replaced by the face of one of the sleestak from Land of the Lost.

“Not sure,” you’ll say, your forked tongue flicking out of your mouth.

“Want to do it?” she’ll say, standing up and shredding your clothing.

“Guess so,” you’ll say, looking down at your penis, which, for the first time in years, will function again.

Congratulations on Doing Acid With the Woman You Love!