We understand that Shelly has low self esteem and that you want to try to fix her if at all possible. We understand that you’re a virgin and that, since you’re also a college student, this makes you deeply uncomfortable and more than a little awkward. And we understand that deep down you really mean well.
But come Tuesday night, when you give Shelly a “stress relieving back rub” and end up rubbing the sides of her tits for like, two hours with a giant erection pressing into her spine she’ll be totally justified in turning around and popping you one right in the dick.
When you fall to the ground gasping for air we’ll feel a little bit sorry for you, sure. But not very. We’ll feel much worse for Shelly who is still going through a really difficult breakup thank you very much and really just needed a friend, not some douche bag trying to get into her pants.
And so your muffled sorry will not suffice, will not win over her affections, nor will it curry ours. Instead it’ll just make us a little angry that we invested time in predicting your future at all, since really anyone could’ve seen this coming.
Congratulations on Giving Her One Too Many Back Massages!
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