Today your name is Skater Jack, we don’t care who the fuck you think you are. We specifically chose Skater Jack because it sounds like either a super laid back dude or a really fucking hot chick. Since names are a powerful force in certain belief systems you will become one of these two body and personality types today. Transsexuals will become irresistible, intensely approachable objects of sexual and emotional desire to everyone who looks upon it, so a very small percentage of the population will be able to fuck anyone they want today.
Whatever your personality archetype you will also become incredibly talented as skating boards for the day. We understand skating boards is a sport many young white people participate in out of doors due to a lack of general danger in their lives, so expect to perform many sweet “tricks” and “flips” for your friends cell phone cameras during the day.
A small number of you will no doubt “wipe out,” a common occurrence in skating boards. This is a term for an occasion upon which a board skater falls down and injures themselves, sometimes severely. The injuries produced by such “wipe outs” can vary dramatically from a simple boo boo to several months in traction. Our best wishes go to those who “wipe out” while skating boards today.
To all the rest, we understand that people of lower intelligence and/or self esteem will be more attracted to you than usual today. We suggest that you take full advantage of this windfall of sexual attention but remember, wear a condom. Because you’re only going to be a douchebag for the day, but herpes lasts forever.
Congratulations Skater Jack!
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