Congratulations Wonderful Man!

Oh, great.  It's Mister Wonderful.  Today, after you wake up, you're going to work out, as usual, then, once you're done working out, you're going to kiss your wife goodbye and head to work.

Today, you'll be doing some pro-bono work for impoverished client who live in section 8 housing who are being foreclosed on by predatory real estate agents.  After you finish your work early, you'll help your pregnant office-mate finish up her tasks for the day, then head to lunch.

On your break, you'll buy a homeless person lunch, help an old woman across the street, and then convince some kids at a corner store to stay off drugs, buy a bunch of organic lentils and make a stew for your entire office.

They'll respond by rolling their eyes at you and encouraging you to go home early, but you'll refuse, and keep working on like, six or seven other cases so that your office can generally streamline its function.  When the day is done, your office will be ahead of schedule on almost all of its tasks.  In the downtime, you'll have successfully planned the office Christmas party and organized a charity drive to help kids with cleft palates.

When you're done, your wife will pick you up in your smart car.  She'll offer to go down on you while she drives you home, but you'll refuse, on the basis that it would make you an unsafe driver.  Then, when you get home, you'll fuck her until she can't walk, then retire to make dinner in a satin robe.

We'd like to say something awful will happen to you during that process, like hot oil scarring up your dick or something, but it won't.  You'll make a wonderful dinner, and then fuck your wife again after you're done before watching HBO with her until you fall asleep.

We hate you, but it's mostly because we wish we were you.  You fucking dipshit.  You're a great dude.

Congratulations Wonderful Man!

Congratulations on Giving Us All Boners!

If boners were a limited commodity you’d have completely bankrupted our national reserves long ago. To say that you’re attractive is a disservice. You are mouth watering, leg weakening. You’re Jessica Alba multiplied by Heath Ledger divided by Carey Grant to the Carey Ewles power. To look upon you is to know the love of god, or gods, depending on whether or not you’re a Cylon.

But normally your beauty isn’t spread around. Normally it’s a jealously guarded secret held close by the ones who love you. They won’t let you leave the house without a hoodie and giant douchey sunglasses, and they’ll never let you do it alone. But like all other things in the world your beauty yearns to be free. And as such it will find a way.

In this case its way will be to get you on the local news one day when you’re walking down the street with the roommate who masturbates thinking about you every night but is too scared to ask if you’d like to make out. She’ll have lost track of you for a moment, distracted by some kittens in the window of a pet shop, when the newsman will fall upon you.

“What do you think about muffins?!” he’ll shout at you, spittle flying from his mouth as he does so.

You’ll remove your glasses and look at him with those gorgeous gray-green-blue-hazel eyes and he’ll drop his microphone and start weeping. The cameraman, however, will do his job and get some amazing footage of you. By the time your roommate notices the hullabalooh he’ll have shot three and a half minutes of you talking about what you like about muffins.

It will be three and a half of the most profound minutes of television ever shot.

The network will refuse to air it, realizing its potential for both mass bonerage and its potential to make people recognize the beauty inherent in the world give up the random message of “consume” which dominates their abysmal lives. But the camera, god bless his heart, will have expected such a cowardly course of action by the studio. He’ll have kept a copy of the footage for himself and he’ll put it up on Youtube.

Within hours he’ll be dead, killed by network assassins, but the footage will be out and the world will never be the same.

It will be titled “AMAZING GIRL TALKS ABOUT MUFFINS” and it will attain several hundreds of million hits within 48 hours. Within a week everyone with an internet connection will have seen your shimmering eyes flush with joy as you talk about breakfast pastries.

This will lead to a worldwide surplus of boners, thanks entirely to you. We just hope you lay low afterwards. There are a lot of crazy fuckers out there (we’re looking at you, nation of Armenia) and they might hurt you if they figure out where you are. Just trust in your roommates and keep your head down. We’re all rooting for you.

Congratulations on Giving Us All Boners!