Congratulations on Patching Things Up!

After alienating your girlfriend through a hilariously retarded series of missteps you’ve had a hard time with life in general. You can’t even do laundry yourself, you’re so inept. So you’ve decided to do everything in your power to get back to doing what you do well: being close to her and making her miserable.

Since she has, as we’ve said before, already blocked you on her cell you’ll have to get a little creative. Any sort of verbal communication is sure to spell disaster for your romantic overtures, so you’ll go old school and write a nice, elaborate letter apologizing for sleeping with her sister and not being as supportive as you could’ve following her miscarriage. After that you’ll hear word from her sister, who you’re continuing to sleep with, that she’s starting to second guess her decision to dump your ass. Even though you’re an idiot you really do care about her, and maybe you can change. After she tells you this you’ll punch her sister in the mouth accidentally, then apologize profusely and ask her if she needs a ride to the hospital as you throw her out of your apartment, barely waiting for her response.

Then you’ll sit down and start drafting phase two of your plan. This will consist of you drawing several stick figures of yourself with chocolates and flowers ringing her doorbell and then crumpling them up and hurling them at your trashcan. Even you’ll be able to see how doomed to failure these plans are in their cliché.

As you look around your apartment, searching for inspiration and any weed that you’d just forgotten you had you’ll be struck with the single most brilliant plan you’ve ever had. You’ll see your copy of Oops! We’re Pregnant: The Life Ruining Game! and you’ll know what you have to do.

Late that night, after she’s gone to bed, you’ll creep up next to her house and start blasting “I Can Hear You Calling In the Air Tonight” (her favorite song!) through a boombox until she wakes up. Then when she pokes her head out of her window to see what’s up you’ll spray lighter fluid all over the board game and light it on fire.

Unfortunately you’ll be a little clumsy with the lighter fluid and you’ll end up setting yourself on fire. Pretty seriously, actually. Stop drop and roll won’t work at first so your girlfriend will have to run out of her apartment with a fire extinguisher and put you out. Then she’ll drive you to the hospital to receive treatment for your third degree burns.

Late that night she’ll start weeping next to your hospital bed. She’ll feel like the entire thing could’ve been avoided if she just hadn’t dumped you. It’ll be a twisted sort of logic, but it’ll convince her to get back together with you just to keep you from doing something stupider and crazier. So in the end everything will work out, thanks to that wonderful board game.

Congratulations on Patching Things Up!