Congratulations Horny Astronaut!

You’re an astronaut and you just can’t keep it in your pants.

On planet Earth that translates to you being kind of a dick and sleeping around. It irks your wife to no end, but she knows she’s your emotional rock and acknowledges that as an astronaut you have certain privledges and do bring in a lot of sweet sweet cash money so she puts up with it. She also knows you have a tiny penis, so she can laugh at you and the slough of embarrassed women you work your way through.

But in space it’s a totally different story. Up there in the big black yonder there are no coeds with low self-esteem, no prostitutes whose patience is yet to be exhausted. In fact there usually aren’t that many women at all, and your tiny penis makes you a poor match for straight female astronauts and gay male astronauts alike.

So today, on your twelfth day on the international space station, you’re going to get super horny. You won’t have beat off since you arrived, since privacy is in short supply up there, and exposing yourself to anyone would result in peals of laughter that would haunt you for the rest of your month long stay.

That’s why you’re going to engage in an ill-advised form of discrete masturbation using a tiny airlock and a bag. In your head it was going to “suck you off” literally, and the cold was going to stimulate your dick something amazing. But in reality it’s going to all but rip your penis off.

The resident physician will save your pound of flesh, but you’ll be disfigured, cursed from now on with a measure of self-control and a normally sized penis. You’ll want to phone your wife immediately, but phone calls from the international space station are super expensive so you won’t get the chance for a few more months.

Odds are nothing terrible will happen before then, though, so kudos on fixing most of your major life problems while in orbit!

Congratulations Horny Astronaut!