Congratulations on Convincing Her to Play Tetherball!

High school is tough for the best of us. Even the most socially adept person is truly miserable during high school, and all of their “acting cool” and “teen sex” is all cover for the misery that their body is telling them that the way they’ve looked at the world is wrong and that they’re not ready for reality yet.

You’re a particularly difficult case, however. Despite your “non-traditional good looks” and wiki-pedic knowledge of the world you can’t seem to fit in no matter how hard you try. A big part of that is your enthusiasm for and participation in the “sport” of competitive tetherball.

Tetherball player has long been shorthand for loser. It is a well documented fact that no one has ever had sex while playing tetherball. Additionally, no one who has ever been elected to the office of President of the United States of America, with the somewhat woeful exception of James Garfield, had ever played tetherball prior to their time in office. Additionally, those who played tetherball while in office were later assassinated.

Go on, look it up, we can wait.

See?

So here’s the thing. You’re actually not a bad person underneath it all. If you got out of high school you might even have a group of friends who don’t just shit on one another all the time. But you’re in high school and you seem to get it from all angles. The only thing that makes your life even remotely bearable is the thought that Kristin Wrigley might one day touch your thing.

You’ve heard she only touches the things of nice boys, boys who manage to touch her heart first. But she’s a bit difficult for you to approach since her friends all flick lit matches at you when you come near her. She talks to you during class, laughs at all your jokes and looks at you like she’s considering touching your thing, but she’s never said anything explicit.

Today’s the day you up your game.

Today you’re going to run up and punch Kristin’s bitchiest friend right in the jaw. She’ll go down like a bony sack of shit and her companions will quietly put away their matchbooks. Kristin will look up at you from her reclining position near one of your school’s many columns with a perplexed expression.

“Why’d you punch Kim?” she’ll ask. Apparently that girl’s name was Kim. You always just referred to her as “the bitchiest one.”

“She was a bitch and I wanted to talk to you,” you’ll respond, frankly.

“’Kay,” she’ll say around her gum, prompting a nod from you. You’ll take a deep breath and steel yourself for the rejection to come before you utter the six hardest words you’ve ever had to say.

“Will you play tetherball with me?” She’ll look at you like she’s really lost now and those flowering social skills will come into to play. “I mean, not in a competitive way. Just in a ‘getting to know you’ way. I really like you, and I’d like to know you better in a situation where I’m comfortable being me, because you always seem to comfortable being you.”

She’ll consider your request, head cocked for a moment, before she snaps her gum. “Sure,” she’ll say.

“Awesome!” you’ll exclaim, pumping your fist in the air and hurrying off to class. You’ll be halfway there before you realize you didn’t set a date, but don’t worry. She’ll be out there by the tetherball pole every afternoon until you show up.

Congratulations on Convincing Her to Play Tetherball!