Congratulations on Eating some Chicken Strips!

You did your best not to let the overwhelming success of Oops! We’re Pregnant: The Life Ruining Game! go to your head. But after sleeping with Megan Fox and earning millions and millions of dollars just for being yourself it was hard not to lose your mind a little. So you purchased a small palace in the Andes, one that one of the less famous South American dictators used to live in, and you set up your board game making business.

But once you arrived in your mountain palace, filled with concubines and the occasional attendants of the lovely and poorly educated Miss Fox, you found that your creative process had left you almost completely. Lately this creative obstruction has manifested itself in other ways. You have trouble sleeping, you eat condor eggs compulsively and you can’t get an erection any more. The last one is weighing on you the heaviest.

You’ve been trying to kick start your creative process and by relation your ability to get boners for a while now, but it’s been rough going. Your poverty and your perceived struggle against the world was the source of a great deal of your creative energy. Now that you’ve made it there’s really no reason to try in your mind. The best you could do is lose face when your next creation fails to live up to the standard of Oops! We’re Pregnant: The Life Ruining Game!, a game so well crafted and, dare we say, fun that it briefly united the Israeli government with Hamas for a rousing round before they started throwing trash at each other and calling each other names.

Today it’s going to come to a head when Megan stops by for an intercontinental booty call because “She kinda likes you and stuff” and you can’t get it up for her. While this has happened to you before it really has never ever ever happened to her and she’s going to flip shit and start tearing your place apart. You’ll feel like you’ve lost everything.

You’ll slip out of your room during her tantrum, dodging the various priceless artifacts that she’ll fling as she tries to come to terms with the idea that there might be a man on Earth who won’t immediately pop a boner at the sight of her. You’ll drag a blanket behind yourself like Charlie Brown and limp over to the couch, where you’ll drift off to sleep listening to the crash of your possessions being destroyed.

As you drift your mind will wander back to the days when you lived in a studio apartment alone and toiled in obscurity, making games like “So You Want to Briefly Hold the Office of Prime Minister in Italy” and “Coming Out: Time to Leave the Closet.” You’ll remember the joy you used to take in simple pleasures, in black coffee, cheap beer and fast food.

When you wake the next morning, following a series of deeply disturbing sex dreams about Megan Fox pegging you, you’ll fetch Manuel, your driver, from his chambers and have him take you in to the nearest town. You venture there so rarely yourself that it will seem like a different universe, a place filled with normal people leading their normal lives. It’ll be like you set foot on solid ground again.

You’ll instruct Manuel to drive you to the nearest establishment serving “chicken strips,” which will make him balk at first. But after you inform him that you are not shitting him or plannning to fire him several times he’ll acquiesce and the two of you will drive three towns over to the closest Jack-In-The-Box. There he’ll order two burgers for himself and a large order of chicken strips for you. You’ll split an order of fries.

You’ll drive back to your home and eat with Manuel on your patio built on a scenic overlook, talking about life with this man you see everyday. You’ll learn a lot about him and his wife and realize that the problems you face aren’t that different from his, aside from that whole tax evasion thing which has kept you out of the United States for a while now.

As you bite into your chicken strip and savor that delightful, universally loved flavor the concept for your next game will come to you: Getting It Up – The Boner Game.

It’ll be a huge hit.

Congratulations on Eating Some Chicken Strips!