Congratulations on Entering a Realm of Rich Fantasy!

Tonight you’re going to get rid of your “Mondays” by taking LSD. But unlike most people, for whom LSD provides a vivid halucinatory experience, you were born with a unique genetic abnormality that causes your body to metabolize acid in such a fashion as to open up a gateway portal to another dimension and pull your body through it in an incredibly painful and super freaky quantum event.

When you awake you’ll be sore all over in a wide open field, the only person around for miles. This isn’t the first time this has happened. You’ll know better by now than to panic but tendrils of worry will still creep up your brainstem when you realize you aren’t hung over. When a group of tiny people with wings emerge from the forest you’ll know that something is seriously wrong.

They’ll introduce themselves as the aelfeen, which you’ll think sounds extremely Tolkien-esque. You’ll also think it’s incredibly strange that when they speak they speak in perfect English with delicate British accents.

They’ll hail you as the “giant one,” fated to free their land from the evil oppressor Montelbaun. You’ll recognize that name vaguely, but you won’t know where from.

Regardless, since your options are limited you’ll agree to help them with their vague, generic fantasy problems in exchange for food, shelter and unfettered access to whatever they have in the way of sex workers. They’ll cheer your acceptance and take you to their village, where you’ll have the most intensely awkward sexual experience of your life, even worse than when you lost your virginity.

The next day you’ll awake, this time legitimately hung over on fairy wine, to the cheers of various fairies as they force you to make good on your promise to them. After accidentally killing one by swatting it with a lazy backhand you’ll feel super guilty and acquiesce. A brief memorial service for Jenkins the Fat will mark your inauspicious departure.

Your journey will take you across four of the seven lands, where you’ll meet many fantastic peoples and sample their sex workers. You’ll have awkward sexual intercourse with a variety of creatures, ranging from centaurs with six legs to people who are 65% insect. We won’t tell you which 65%. We don’t want to spoil the surprise.

The quest will culminate when you reach Dr. Montelbaum’s fortress, and impenetrable structure made out of the strongest cardboard boxes in the realm. You’ll call out the evil Doctor (or wizards – the fairies will be almost purposefully vague on this point) and after a brief period of loud activity within the box-structure celebrated comedic actor Romany Malco will emerge.

You’ll be starstruck at first, but after you establish his identity and get the fucking fairies to shut the fuck up for five fucking minutes the two of you will discover that you came here in a similar fashion. You’ll discover that he was aware of his condition, since he has insurance and can actually see a doctor, but that he just wanted to see what this other world was like. He had no idea it would be so irritating and will simply want to return home.

And with your assistance he’ll be able to do just that. He’ll take your hands in his and chant the secret chant that his HMO has prohibited us from reproducing here and return the two of you to L.A., where you’ll realize that maybe living in a fortress of cardboard boxes surrounded by nattering faires and freaks of nature wasn’t so bad.

And just imagine, all of this could’ve been avoided if you hadn’t waited until the age of 29 to experiment with acid. Ah well!

Congratulations on Entering a Realm of Rich Fantasy!