Congratulations on Being Alexandre Aja for a Day!

Today we’ve got a magical body switching prophecy for y’all. Why, you ask? We have no idea. We don’t decide these things, we just report them. Maybe the two of you have the same birthday down to the second or some shit. That sounds appropriately contrived. Regardless you’re going to be transported into the body of French horror director Alexandre Aja at atround 3:45 AM this morning.

It’ll be unsettling, in large part because you’ll be masturbating as the switch occurs and your hand will suddenly no longer be wrapped around your own dick. Instead it’ll be limply curled in a loose fit as you lay in bed, too frightened by your own thoughts to sleep.

You won’t grasp what’s going on at first. You’ll think you were having a particularly vivid, boring dream about pleasuring yourself. You’ll turn over and drift off to sleep, nary a thought in your head of poor Alexander who is now trapped in your body, hand caked in lube, fist still tight around your dick.

When you wake up and you’re in a luxurious apartment instead of your shitty studio you’ll know something is terribly wrong.

“Mr. Buttons?” you’ll coo, attempting to call out your nine year old tabby. You’ll be shocked when the incredibly gorgeous Laila Marrakchi instead enters the room wearing an incredibly revealing robe.

“Ques’que c’est?” she’ll ask, words flowing out of her mouth like water from a lion’s head. You won’t understand her at first, but then you’ll realize. French. She’s speaking French.

“I don’t speak French,” you’ll say, baffled by the strange voice speaking your words, clumsy and accented. You’d feel even more confused but you have been with a woman in so long that Laila’s gorgeous breasts will lock your eyes for several minutes.

Since she’s one of those free-spirited Muslim chicks she’ll just smirk and say “Pas de problem” before dropping her robe and jumping on top of you and riding you until you’re limp (ten minutes, thirteen seconds – a personal best). You’ll think you’re still dreaming. It won’t be until she takes you to the kitchen and makes you orange juice that you begin to grasp what’s going on.

As you explain it to her she’ll have a puzzled little smile, like she isn’t very surprised by any of this and just tell you that it probably won’t take long to fix itself. You’ll be shaken, but having a woman around you will make you feel better about yourself. She’ll prohibit you from talking on the phone and, for the day, treat you as a stranger in her husband’s body, taking great care to make sure you leave better than you came into her life.

Meanwhile, Alex is going to wake up in your body and moan. This isn’t the first time this has happened to him, and while your life certainly isn’t the shittiest he’s been trapped in it’s pretty down there. Sighing, he’ll go about your daily chores and flip through the various bills that have arrived. He’ll do his best to make sure shit doesn’t get any worse for you and clean some of the more disgusting areas of your apartment. He’ll also have a brief conversation with your ex over the course of the day which will lead to her considering a reconciliation with you. He’ll leave a detailed note on your fridge.

When the day is over you’ll be back in your body with plenty of spank material thanks to Alexadre Aja’s hot wife. Your life will still be kinda shitty, but at least you got some action. And with Alexandre Aja’s help, you might get some more.

Meanwhile, in the Aja household they’ll have a brief cuddle and Alexandre will start writing a torture porn script about being trapped in the horrible world of your life. It will be a box office smash.

Congratulations on Being Alexandre Aja for a Day!