Congratulations on Attending an Anime Convention!

You lack any serious social disorders. You read books. You watch mass released, domestically produced films. You even date real people who exist in a medium other than celluloid or, more recently, digital video. As such it’s no surprise that you’ve never attended an anime con.

Anime cons are cultural exchanges where people without social skills come together in order to further alienate themselves for society at large. There’s no reason for you to actually visit one on your own, but lately you’ve been dating an adorable girl with blue hair who grew up on Japanese animation and Japanese culture and you’ve been convinced to attend one of these conferences as a caveat to her. We’d tell you not to but she’s astoundingly hot. You’d be a fool not to meet her halfway on this one.

The moment the two of you show up you’ll be mobbed by asocial fucktardss who have dreamed of one day seeing a girl like her in the real world and have never heard of the city of Portland. You’ll suddenly realize just why she wanted to bring you here: to make sure you knew just how lucky you were to have her and how fast she could dump you for any number of men who have no idea of how to satisfy her.

She’ll also be basking in the attention, which is nice to see because it means you’ll get a little time away from her needy ass.

You’ll wander around the convention hall, taking in the various be-costumed freaks attending the show. Every once in a while you’ll see a girl, much like your girlfriend, with heavily dyed hair and an outfit which seems just a little bit off, but suggestive enough that no one would complain about it being inappropriate, but for the most part it’ll be dudes with skin problems shuffling around, some in costumes, some in t-shirts, staring at said women.

After around forty minutes of this shit you’ll stumble outside, desperate for interaction with a human being who can talk about something other than “Naruto” and you’ll find a small collection of similar looking men to yourself who are gathered in a circle, smoking and complaining that their girlfriends dragged them here.

You’ll shuffle up to them and immediately be offered a light by a man with graying hair.

“First time?” he’ll ask. You’ll nod.

“Get used to it,” he’ll say, snapping his Zippo closed after lighting your cigarette. It will be engraved with a strange looking wolf-boy with a shock of white hair. You’ll know where he got it right away.

“How long have you been here?” you’ll ask after taking a deep, cleansing breath of nicotine and toxins, killing off whatever foulness dwelled within your lungs from the air in that place.

“Too long,” he’ll say, holding up a wedding ring. Several other men in the circle will nod to one another, harumphing, but a few will just stand silent, fearing the fate that has come upon these men. You’ll be curious, though.

“Have you ever asked if it’s alright for you to stay at home during these little outings?” The man will look shocked.

“Are you kidding? My wife would probably leave me in a heartbeat for one of those losers inside.” Most of the rest of the crowd will nod and harumph some more in agreement, but one young man will step forward and speak.

“What if we’re the real losers here? We lose a weekend a month doing something we hate because we don’t trust our astoundingly hot girlfriends around some of the most non-threatening men in the world. What does that say about us?”

The circle will sit quiet for a moment as you all smoke your cigarettes. Then, one by one, they’ll each crush their smokes out and head back inside to find their significant others and make sure they haven’t been gangbanged by Love Hina fans yet.

Congratulations on Attending an Anime Convention!