Congratulations on Being Elected Mayor!

The last head will come off like the first, the shovel singing through the air and finding little resistance. You’ll have gotten good at sharpening it by now.

When you realize your work is over you’ll take a swig from your flask and let loose a long sigh. It’ll have been quite the month in Tillotson Mill. You’re not sure what you hate more, the vampires or the locals, but you’ve learned a lot about both of them, and a little about yourself.

Turns out you can survive without drinking for a while, but that you’ll do almost anything for the chance to do it again. Also it turns out that you’ll kill a man to keep him from telling anyone that you sucked his dick for a fifth of bourbon. Also, you’re a violent sociopath who has no sense of the value of life.

None of this was too surprising, but being forced to confront it has made you a better person. And so when you emerge from that last basement covered in blood and ichor and the cheers of the townspeople greet you you’ll nod your affirmation instead of telling them to fuck off.

You’ll find a radio and let your captain know that the situation has been resolved and he’ll tell you you’re fired because you’ve missed all your shifts for the last month and “fighting vampires” is not a legitimate excuse for that sort of shenanigans. So you’ll be stuck in Tillotson Mill, surrounded by people you can’t stand with a massive moral burden to carry.

So when they ask you to become their new mayor, the old mayor having perished in the previous episode of Sexy Results, you’ll graciously accept and settle in to a brief economically disastrous, alcoholically blurry reign as mayor of the shittiest little burg in Vermont.

Congratulations on Being Elected Mayor!