Congratulations on Incorrectly Wiring the Explosives!

Your Doomsday Cult is big, but it isn’t very good at attracting tech savvy individuals. By proscribing a strict anti-technology policy you alienate the sort of people who might know how to use the simpler machines that your people end up relying on on a daily basis. That’s part of what makes you so valuable to your cult leader, James, and why he hasn’t tried to sleep with you yet.

And today is a big day for you guys. It’s the last day before the local sheriff and his SWAT buddies come in and raid your stronghold in order to allow you and the other maladjusted social retards that have taken up with James get back to whatever you had that passed for a life beforehand. James isn’t too psyched about that.

That’s why he’s had you rig explosives throughout The Facility, as he calls it, so that he, his followers and the intruding sheriff will be incinerated. The explosives are made out of human waste and household cleaners, but they’ll get the job done. James knows, he’s used the same sort of explosives to destroy government buildings in the past. The only thing he doesn’t know is how to wire the damn things to a remote detonator. But you, ever the eager beaver, helped him out and showed him just how handy you can be with some copper wire.

In exchange James took sexual advantage of you. He wasn’t gentle, but he told you that you needed to be “sanctified by his love” in order to pass on to the next world. And so today, as you stand by his side largely because you can’t sit down, James will hold your detonator and wait in silence for the sheriff’s men to enter the kill zone.

When they do so in their black suits, with their semi-lethal weapons and tear gas and desire to rescue as many innocent idiots as is humanly possible, he’s going to push the button on the detonator. When nothing happens he’ll push it again and again. Then he’ll turn and look at you. You’ll give him a comic shrug, the best one you can muster after your violent rape the previous evening.

He’ll walk towards you like he’s going to hit you, but then Margaret, the hot cultist, will throw up her arms.

“The Lord has spared us! Bless him!” She’ll fall to her knees and start speaking in tongues, just as James taught you all to do when you didn’t want to explain what you’d just said in greater detail. James will turn his attention from you to her, but his violence will be curtailed when everyone in The Facility drops to the ground and starts rolling around and doing their thing.

When the sheriff and his men arrive on you and James will still be standing. James will have his hands in little angry fists, and you’ll have yours in the air. You’ll look horrified. The sheriff and his men will drop James with a tiny bean bag fired from a shotgun and take you back to your old life, where you’ll resume your job doing tech support for Fortune 500 companies.

Congratulations on Incorrectly Wiring the Explosives!