Congratulations on Losing Your Girlfriend!

Your relationship will have been strained for a while, but that happens to plenty of people when they move to a new city together. The increased reliance on one another, the relative isolation and the constant struggle to fit in in a few place can tax a relationship to its breaking point. That’s why the two of you introduced game night.

Each Wednesday you try to play a board game which can accommodate two players. That means a lot of Stratego and Battleship for the most part. Since those games suck it’s not hard to see why this measure hasn’t improved your relationship. To you this is less a signal that your problems might be too complicated to be solved by playing board games together and more a sign that you need to kick it up a notch.

In an effort to spice things up you’re going to come home this Wednesday with a copy of Oops! We’re Pregnant: The Life Ruining Game!, the hottest board game on the market. Fox News is campaigning to ban it, and a website is keeping a running tally of how many times it has made Glenn Beck cry. Right now it’s in the triple digits.

You’ll lay it out on the table with a bag of Goldfish and a pair of beers and walk your blindfolded girlfriend into the room, accidentally guiding her into the edge of the table at one point. When you remove her blindfold she’ll have a look of confusion on her face as she takes in the scene before her. Once she reads the title of the board game she’ll start bawling and run out to your bedroom and lock the door behind her while you sit there dumbfounded.

You’ll knock on the door and ask her what’s wrong but her only response will be forceful weeping. When she finally does emerge she’ll have a suitcase. She’ll tell you that there are better ways to break up with someone before shouting prick at you. You’ll move to follow her out the door but she’ll slam it as hard as she can on you, knocking you unconscious.

When you regain consciousness hours later you’ll just sit there Indian-style on the floor and wonder why she was so upset. After an hour and a half of pondering you’ll remember her miscarriage and have a total “doy” moment, but by then she’ll have already blocked you on her cell. Bitch.

Congratulations on Losing Your Girlfriend!