Congratulations on Your Hand Related Discomfort!

Today you’re going to reach out and shake the hand of a new co-worker.  It’s going to be warm.

Not warm in the sense that it’s body temperature: that would just be normal.  No, it’s going to be slightly too warm for comfort.  Not hot, mind you.  But warm.  Warm and moist.

It will be the sort of warmth that makes you wonder “did this person just remove their hand from their pants?”  Or “perhaps this person has been holding their hand inside an easy bake oven or some sort of cultural analog that has warmed their flesh somewhat while also, by some strange mechanic, not removed the moisture from their flesh.”

It will be warm enough to make you uncomfortable, but not warm enough to be concerned for your co-worker.  As you let go of their hand you won’t meet their eye; instead you’ll let your vision drift to the ground, to your shoes, where it will remain until your co-worker walks away, at which point you’ll let them trail up again to the hand, that fiendish hand.

Later on tonight, while you lay by your partner you’ll stare up at the ceiling: the question of why your co-worker’s hand was so warm will plague you.  You’ll be unable to close your eyes, unable to ponder the matters of the day.  You’ll only be able to lay there and stare and hope against hope that you never have to touch that person again, ever.

Congratulations on Your Hand Related Discomfort!